Promised to have this published in full before the end of Jan!! . (New Year Blog from 2015)
Well, I’m late, that’s no surprise, given we are living in such a crazy world. Russia is posturing to invade Ukraine and Nato and the rest of the world are posturing back. Fecking men running the asylum. Pandemic rages on but it no longer seems to be the disaster to end all disasters. Full houses in Six Nations rugby matches, GAA matches, soccer matches and the Superbowl is a sell out, and yet thousands of people are being infected and sadly worse every day. I’m puzzled, completely puzzled by the crazy period in our time.
Sunday 13th January:
Ran to get some Valentine flowers this morning, my sunshine daffodils. When I got back and sat down with my Sunday newspapers and coffee I switched on the radio and by accident, switched to Radio Maria (broadcasts on Saorview TV) and Sunday Mass was on. I’m not the religious type at all, but there seemed to be a lot on my mind this Sunday morning and the soft voice of a priest celebrating mass and telling us to ‘Go in Peace’ to serve the lord was a welcome comfort. So I left it on.
The priest reminded the listening congregation to take care of each other, to lend a hand where we can, to put an arm around someone who may need some comfort. Not sure where ISAIAH 6:8 came from but somehow is was a good reminder of a friend of mine. LINK to the VARD Sisters
I’m back to Dublin this evening after two years of Pandemic Insanity. Back to meet and greet five new colleagues joining our organisation. Only a short few days back, I was talking to a good man, a friend I met two years ago, and we were talking about a project we had worked together on in Dublin at the start of this pandemic. Martin was heading back to another Dublin project. Martin was excited about a new Project and we were swapping accommodation phone numbers as he had a new phone and needed some of our previous contacts. We had a lovely conversation. Heartbreakingly, Martin, did not wake from his slumber three days later. It was devastating news for everyone who knew Martin, but most of all for his young family and his good Dad, William. We never know what is around the corner. Martin, was a really good guy to have your back as a work colleague. In Projects, he just got on with things. His DNA was, to do the best you can do, and help those around you along the way. (Isaiah 6:8)
His wife Helen, daughter Caoimhe, son Senan, dad William, sisters, Valarie, Mary and Tracey and wider family must carry the tough burden of grief. My thoughts and prayers are with you. May you find comfort all around you in the coming weeks and months. Be especially comforting to each other.
I did take the opportunity, during our telephone conversation, to say, “Martin, you are a good man”. He was an incredible support to me in our return to field work in 2020. We walked and talked in the evenings (well I tried to keep up) after work and did ‘Man’ chat. It was clear that Martin was a good, proud and loving family man. Martin RIP.
2022 The Year of Your Attention
My attention is a commodity and a valuable one at that. Your attention is a commodity, and a very valuable one at that also. Sometimes, we need to be aware, acutely aware, of who or what is trying to get our attention. So many want a piece of our attention. Time was, the ‘for Sale‘ sign was the most apparent attention grabber. To realise it value, all the shopkeeper needed us to do is step inside their door and get you to part with your hard earned few bob, That momentary ‘Attention’ grabber became an economic gain for the seller and for you a bit of joy or satisfaction at getting something at bargain price. It is no longer as simple as that.
The marketeers and advertisers no longer need us to see a ‘For Sale’ sign. I don’t need to put my hand in my pocket and hand over cash, I don’t need to do a whole lot for my attention seekers, by just ‘clicking’ my mouse on a link or like a ‘quote’ or photograph, my worth as a commodity is snagged by powerful companies (and their algorithms) and they now sell (with implied permission) my ‘potential commodity value’ to every marketeer, advertiser and company willing to get my ID to send me ‘relevant and targeted’ click bait.
So, for 2022, I’m unsubscribing wholesale. Not following the ‘sponsored’ news items. not following the news in general.
Exhausted to Empowered.. If you do one thing in 2022. Connect with Elaine (elaine@iamelainebenson.com)
If you come in as a trauma or car crash and need blood… good luck! Half of the staff in OR’s at three hospitals I work at are out sick with COVID. If you’re “asymptomatic” and positive, you’re going to work because we just don’t have enough staff. Nurses are working 24 hour shifts to cover for everyone at home quarantining.
Patients are angry because they feel ignored while we’re hanging on by a thread. We discharged our last COVID patient before Christmas (thanks to a high vax rate in our county) and now we’re totally full. All elective surgery cases are on hold. Still trying to push through cancers and hearts. Patients with cancer are scared and calling the night before to see if beds are still open for them so they can have their cancers resected before they metastasize (spread). I’ve never seen the ICU nurses – well, all of the nurses so depressed. It’s sad, the belief in disinformation runs so deep many of them refused vaccination and are now fighting boosters. Propaganda is immensely powerful. Do not underestimate it.
Dying antivax COVID patients believe it’s a hoax until their last breath and will fight you to prove their point until they’re intubated. Friends from med school text about the horror stories they’re seeing. From last night: a husband on ECMO (basically heart/lung machine, he’s not gonna live) due to COVID pneumonia and wife infected – at home and alone. 6 months pregnant and no foetal heart tracings (baby is dead, probably clotted off the placenta since COVID causes blood clots) and she has to deliver alone. I hear tragic stories like this every single day. Or the poor girl who was 7 months pregnant and crashed, was intubated and placed on ECMO after an emergency C-section. Baby died of a brain haemorrhage. Mom woke up with no baby and a healed C-section scar. Not vaccinated because worried about her fertility from something she read on Facebook.
Disinformation kills, I see it over and over and over. We had a family of 6 in the ICU. 5/6 died and left just the son behind to clean up the mess but he’s so debilitated after surviving he can’t possibly do it. All of us working are infecting ourselves and our families. We’re so demoralized. I’m waking up with nightmares of my family and I driving off a bridge into water, unable to escape and drowning. I’ve seen friends I work with get sick and nearly die. One of my girlfriends got long haul running a code on a guy having a heart attack and now she can’t walk across the room. Yay long haul. My crazy ass trump loving family is sending me news articles about how viagra saves lives in COVID patients and I just shake my head. Convinced my evangelical Christian Fox News watching aunt and uncle to get vaccinated and then they got COVID over thanksgiving and tell me “the ivermectin saved us.” Fuck off. I guess my 29 years of education were a waste.
The antivax patients we admit who went to Fox News university of medicine tell us how to treat them. One left the hospital and died at home. I just don’t have the energy to really care anymore about people like that because I’m so tired. I hate being a soldier in a war I never signed up to be a part of, drowning in six figure student loan debt, always exposed, always on edge, having nightmares and no hazard pay. At least guys in the military have the GI bill, loans paid and VA healthcare. We’re going to get dropped on our asses with permanent disabilities and PTSD. All of our relationships are broken from the stress and sadness. We are essentially being told we expendable resources, our lives and health do not matter – just keep going to work. I’m so tired of hearing “code blue” while sitting at lunch and wondering who it is this time. Or hearing the families on the other end and their complete loss of sense of control and fear. Trust me when I say this: everything you see on the TV screen is sanitized for public consumption. Reality is 10 times worse in the hospital. It’s wild to be the last man standing as everyone else calls out sick with COVID and watching the American healthcare system collapse in slow motion. I’ve done a lot of lung transplants – and end stage COVID lungs are beyond saving and worse than the lungs we took out. They’re like wet mouldy heavy bags. Godspeed friends and be careful. I’ve heard over and over again from patients with COVID “I didn’t think it would be me.” Run, don’t walk for your booster. We admitted 8 this week who had two vaccines and are not boosted yet. And if you got one J&J dose… good luck.
I saw the news about Deltacron. I cried and thought if this variant outcompetes omicron, I quit. I’m a good doc, I give up holidays/birthdays/family events and my general well being to keep my patients safe and alive. They are my life’s work and I just don’t know if I have the energy left to keep going. I’m young and I quit dating because I deal with COVID patients and didn’t want to hurt anyone. In my late thirties and spent most of life learning how to keep people alive. Two years of fertility lost trying to do the right thing. Oh well.
Trust me, about the next election: Vote. In a pandemic, who you vote for could save your life… or kill you. Trust me on this last part, I’ve seen a lot of people die because of policy decisions and stupid statements like “it’s just the flu” and “it will be gone by Easter.” I got a patient that swallowed bleach after the orange guy made that suggestion at a White House press conference. Fun fact, it’s a lot worse than swallowing acid. It penetrates much deeper and don’t expect to ever swallow normally again – or end up with a big incision on your chest, a permanent feeding tube and your oesophagus coming out of your neck like a colostomy. It’s unfathomably horrible and even worse to do to another person to save their life. I often wonder how things would have been different if the messaging were different in March 2020.
About trump: I don’t wish him dead but I do think there are some people who do not deserve to walk among others on earth. Operated on 25 year old COVID positive kid this morning… this didn’t have to happen to him. And I had to expose an entire OR team and an anaesthesiologist to an open chest and the lungs of a COVID patient. They are so brave to help this patient with me and risk their lives and exposing their families by extension as well. And then this part – his mom chewed me out on the phone after five difficult hours operating on her son regarding something unrelated with his previous hospitalization for COVID. I had to cut her off. I had no energy left after putting my heart and soul into fixing him and being elbow deep in the stench of pus the entire morning.
Here’s the shitty part. My mother is immunosuppressed and didn’t make antibodies after getting five vaccines. If she gets COVID, she’s dead so I can’t see her even though I’m vaccinated bc with omicron breakthrough infections are common. And yet because I took the Hippocratic oath, I still have to take care of antivax patients at work who collectively will probably infect and kill her before this is over. Hearing the fear in her voice and her loneliness breaks me more than anything I’ve already written about. She’s a deeply good woman who volunteered for the Red Cross during hurricanes and natural disasters and now can’t because of COVID. She never stopped talking about how much she loved going out there on the front lines to help others in crisis, it gave her meaning. Every person without a mask on is a slap in the face. They spread the virus and we have to clean up the mess. I wish they could see what a living hell this is through my eyes and feel what it’s like wake up every day to it. This will probably get lost in the ether, but at least I wrote it somewhere. And plenty of typos from a very tired human.
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